Hi. I’ve been gone a really long time. I think it started with the art panels I mentioned in my last text based post. Update: they got done. They got done by the skin of my teeth (you’ll have to excuse me, I’m no good with “saying” but I try to use them anyway). I stayed up for 22 hours straight and poured my heart and soul into each and everyone of them. Even the ones that I thought were nonsense and me just trying to throw something on the panel, turned out to have emotion behind them. It was an amazing process.
When I hung them up on the gallery wall, it was a strange feeling. I felt like we had lost Harrison all over again. It was like living through his death again although this time I had no painkillers. It was about him. It was about me. It was about our journey together. And it made me miss him so much.
At the show I got really drunk. Really, really drunk. I called my parents at 3am and made them promise me that there would be another baby. That I would get to take a baby home and give it all of the love I have. Of course, in the morning, I realized how stupid this was. No one can promise me a baby. No one but God.
Once, soon after we lost Harrison, a voice in my head said, “You will have another baby and it will be sooner than you think.” So when the anxiety starts taking over, I practice breathing and I focus on that voice. Sometimes I try and tell myself that the voice was just my desperation. That I fabricated the voice of God in my head to make me feel better. But when I really get to thinking about it, I know that it’s not true. I know that it wasn’t me fabricating a voice. I know that it was my promise and that soon, I’ll be pregnant and soon there will be a baby to take home.